Life on the Road – Trucking News Blog

Sitt’n here at the T/A Elkton, MD. eating a bagel. 88 degrees and clear skies. Santana on the Jazz channel on Sirius 71. Four and half days out and I’m ready to go home. I’m lonely. At the “J’ down the road in North East, MD where I was last night – I asked for Heinz 57 steak sauce, and they said sorry, no more. Seems Cisco, the food distributor, raised the prices on steak sauce, so Flying J decided that they’re not going to reorder. Just what the heck is happening to the world. I can put up with a financial collapse, but no Heinz 57? – well, that’s just not American. I guess I’ll just have to carry ’round my own damn bottle. It just ain’t right, I tell ya.

Speaking of just ain’t right, let’s talk about truck’n out West. I’m watching the weather and see that where I was just a couple of weeks ago, it’s now cold and snowing. Where I’m parked right now, it’s still “pool” weather. I’m in shorts and a “t” and I’m not going to change for a few more months. But, what’s the deal with you “Western” drivers. Here’s my list of “impressions” in no particular order.

- Chains. What the hey? Chains hanging off just about every truck out “there.” At the fuel desk there are white bags and bags of chains for sale. Sorry, but I don’t “do” chains. My truck has ‘em – they’re in my tarp box and have been there since I got the truck and there they will remain – rusting – until I trade the truck in. If I’m unlucky enough to be driving anywhere where chains are required, then I’m just pull’n over ’til Spring.

- Chain “putting on” areas – What is this all about? Pleeeease – can we talk? Do “they” expect meee to pull over in the freezing cold, get out, pull out these heavy, cold and wet links of iron and actually put them on my big tires? I don’t think so. What tires get the chains anyway? I DON’T CARE! Why can’t I just pay some nice “illegal” person to do this for me? How about an unemployed Lehman Bros. manager? They need work, don’t they? But me do it – sorry. The whole concept of driving around with chains – ka-ging, ka-ging round ‘n round they go – is completely foreign to me. I just won’t do it.

- Hills. Way to many. I70 West of Denver? You’ve got to be kidding. I80 outside Salt Lake? Absurd. Shift up, shift down, shift up, down, round, sideways – totally ridiculous. Give me nice flat interstate – Florida style. 35 mph up the hill – 80 mph down  - completely moronic.

- Over sized loads and those propellers. The ones they use in the wind mills or air catchers – whatever they’re called. They’re all over the place. Why don’t some of them spin? Seems we need enough energy so that they should never stop. But 95% of the over sized loads in America seem to be moving by truck out West. And these are not the “wimpy” over sized loads that you see in Ohio and Maryland. These suckers are large and heavy. I’m mean really really large and really really heavy!

- Those wooden things on the side of the road. They look like fences that have fallen over. What the heck are they? Something about snow drifts? I have no idea and I DON’T CARE. Most of them look like they’re falling apart. Many look like they were put there when Wyatt Earp was alive. Only out “West” do I see them.

- Buffalo. Where the heck did they all go? Did you Western truckers shoot ‘em all and BBQ’d ‘em Sara Palin style? My last trip out there I saw ONE damn buffalo. Fess up drivers, what did you do with them?

- Speaking of buffalo, why does the meat out West tastes kinda strange? Parked at a “J” – I think it was in  Cheyenne WY – one of those “I’m pretending to be a trucker”  dually pick up’s thingees pulled in with a high trailer. Inside was an Ostrich. He went to the other side of the lot where I couldn’t see him. About 20 minutes later he drove past me to go back out to the interstate. No Ostrich. Needless to say, my flat iron steak that night tasted strangely “sweet.” Just how does Ostrich taste? Maybe it’s Flying J that is killing off the Buffalo and serving “them” for their Saturday night steak special?

- Western drivers wearing black sox and sandals and, worse, CROCS! Hey listen, no man should be seen in Crocs. If you don’t know what they are Google them. Unless you’re a transvestite or in the pre-operative stages of becoming a female, NO CROCS.  Sandals are meant to be worn without sox. That’s a fact, at least here in the good ‘ole USA. If you want to be taken seriously, NO CROCS and NO SANDALS. If you wear this stuff elsewhere, like in Chicago or Dallas, you risk being shot. And it just might be me at the trigger.

- Weigh stations. Like elephants joined at the tail we’ll all put in, get out, and show our registration and license to the DOT clerk. Are you people kidding? We don’t do this back East. Are you all a bunch of morons? Why the heck do “they” need to see my damn registration for?  Port of Entry schmentry. This is ridiculous. This isn’t Russia! What’s more stupid is you all seem to ACCEPT this. Why?

- Lousy cell service. Although cathartic, I don’t like talking to myself, when I think there is another human being at the other end of the line. It doesn’t matter what the cell service is, there are too many “dead-zones” and “lost calls” out West. That’s why you Western drivers all have those 10,000 watt CB’s, with the same power as a small AM college radio station. It’s because if it snows and you get stuck – even with all your chains – you’ll need to call for help. And it ain’t gonna happen with your cell phone.

- Bungee cords. They’re for tying down tarps, not to hold your truck together. Again, “those” California trucks – I don’t mean to sound prejudice – I’m simply reporting on what I see. But “these” trucks, – LA to the Bronx in 2 1/2 days or less. No problem when there are 5 drivers all hurling down the highway at 85 miles an hour nonstop! And the fuel tank, the trailer doors, the exhaust pipes, the mirrors and what is left of the CB antenna are held on by BUNGEE CORDS. Don’t see much of that back East. Throw in a little duct tape here and there, and forget the DOT, let’s roll!

- Cowboy hats. Way too many. I’ve always felt that drivers who do the whole “cowboy” thing – ie: Western cattle haulers – were somehow now allowed to go out at Halloween. Tight dusty jeans, pointy boots from some poor snake, huge belt buckles, too tight funny colored striped shirts with snaps (buttons too much for them?) and of course a large cowboy hat. Hey, my butt is too fat for me to wear one of those hats while driving. I wouldn’t be able to move my head. Whatever. But get a handful of these Western cowboy drivers together and it looks like show ‘n tell at kindergarten – Western-style, of course.

- Fueling. You Western drivers are really something. I thought fueling back East was bad. But, holy smokes, are you folks kidding? This is how you do it out West. Pull in the fuel island. Get out. Throw out the garbage. Shake out the rug. Wash the windows. Go inside. Buy some food and a really large drink. Buy 2 bags of ice. BS with your buddies. The wife or ugly girlfriend talks about laundry with another less desirable passenger in another truck. Get approval to fuel. Go back outside. Fuel. Check the engine. Empty the cooler. Check the tires. Refill the cooler. Walk the dog. Walk the other dog. Clean out the bird cage. Get some water for the dogs. Move forward. Fuel the reefer. Wife goes in for more food. 10, 15, 20, 25 minutes – a half an hour. And I’m sitting behind you waiting like some moron. This happens EVERY TIME I fuel out West. You people are crazy. Ever heard of a parking space? Apparently not.

So there you have it. My impressions of driving out West. I’m a Central time zone driver. That’s where my comfort level is. I’m always on East coast time. I always have a hour extra to do everything. I prefer not to drive out West. You can have your Sinclair “dinosaur” gas, your 75 mph speed limits and Little America – do the $.50 cent cones include ice cream? Many of “your” drivers like to eat dinner and watch the Simpson’s rather than the news. That’s just not my cup of tea, thank you very much.

The photo credit is http://www.flickr.com/photos/42311564@N00/436965596/