2049011904_5755ac6d37 I’ve seen your billboards. I’ve heard your commercials. You know the ones. How one freight train will take 250 trucks off the road and improve highway congestion. How your trains are so fuel efficient. How service via rail is so superior. How you protect the environment. How by using trains I can reduce my carbon footprint.

Railroads, I’d like to tell you just where I’d like to put my footprint. And it has nothing to do with carbon or the environment. You people have lost your minds. And I’m going to take a few minutes just to tell you how wrong you are and how your message to the American public is a bunch of hooey. Oh your slick, I’ve got to give you that. But I, for one, can see right through all your nonsense.

Let’s start with the most important point. America doesn’t care what you have to say. Trains are no longer sexy. Kids want to be truck drivers and jet pilots, not train engineers. What fun is it to just to go forward and occasionally in reverse? When America thinks of trains, they think smoke, loud ear piercing horns and having to wait at annoying rail road crossings while your cars jingle jangle across the tracks. And while folks are sitting in their cars waiting for your train to someday pass, they’re praying its doesn’t go off the tracks and spew ammonia or some other lethal chemical all through their neighborhoods.

America hates trains. In fact, the day you chose to get rid of the friendly red caboose at the back of your lineup of toxic clickety clackety noisy rusty railcars, America’s love affair with the train died. Trains are dangerous. They’re too big and too heavy. They scare people. When is the last time someone asked for a train set for Christmas? When is the last time you took a train somewhere? Have you ever shipped anything by rail?

Jim, my jibber-jammer is down. I need that part. Ok, I hear ya Bill, I’ll get my guys to get it on the next train out. You should have it in two or three weeks. Listen, nobody even knows how to ship anything by rail. Don’t you need to be right on the tracks? What if the material is oversized? How do you get it to the railroad? Where are the railroads? How would I get something from Charlotte to LA? Do I use the Burlington Northern or the Carolina Illinois Railroad which will transfer it to the Midwestern Union Pacific or Santa Fe or California Wyoming Express to yet some other train so it gets to LA somehow someday?

Can I tell you a little secret? Make sure nobody is looking. Ready? OK. There is NO railroad in the world that can do anything without trucks. All the switches, locomotives, rail yards, freight cars, engineers, lights and horns don’t make any difference without trucks and truck drivers. Because even if JB Hunt, Schneider, UPS and Swift intermodal their trailers anywhere, they still have to be picked up and delivered by truck. Ain’t no darn railcar going to drive into Wal-Mart and back up to a dock with the freight.

When America thinks freight transportation they think truck, not rail. When America thinks rail they think hazardous chemicals, hot molten tanks cars with white clouds of smelly smoke and yellow mucus liquid oozing from the top and freight cars with graffiti sprayed all over them with hobos, beggars, criminals and illegal immigrants riding inside or on top top of them.

Railroads, nice try, but trucks are the foundation of America’s movement of goods. If you eat it, drink it, sleep on it, sit on it or ride on it, mostly likely it was delivered by truck. In fact, the backbone of any rail system is the truck, not the train. And you know it. So good luck with your “campaign” but you’re not fooling anybody.

Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cemeteryrodeo/2049011904/

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